Monday, April 07, 2008
Unusual me today.
Sigh.. Today is not my day.. After bio lesson was SS and SS was free period.. So we went to library instead.. Something came over me.. I suddenly become so emotional.. I got angry and hated everything i see.. Then i just went off to the toilet and slit my wrist.. What made me slit my wrist?? Lot's of things went thru my mind.. I can feel that i was gonna die in that cubical.. I had this evil smirk on my face and I kinda "enjoyed" that feeling and as though I've given up and willing to die.. Then my blood just gushed out and the floor was bloody.. Then i felt numb and weak.. Then suddenly the door had a bang and i woke up.. I cleared the blood on my wrist and went out.. Everyone stared at me.. Blood was obvious as it was everywhere.. Washed my wrist and went back to library.. Dragged a chair and faced the wall.. I hugged on my bag and i stared at the wall.. Without any feelings or anything.. Tears rolled down my eyes.. Everyone was asking me.. What happened?? I just shook my head.. All I wanted at that moment was peace and some time alone..I hated myself at that moment.. I wanna suicide and just end everything.. So peaceful.. So carefree.. Everything... G-O-N-E!
All those happenings.. I only had one person in my mind.. No other person and it's that someone whom I willing to sacrifice myself for.. Who is it?? For me to know for you to find out.
I have been trying to change my cutting habits.. It has been lesser and lesser since last year. I has been my cutting addiction as I can release the pain in my heart.. I can See,Feel and Touch my pain on my wrist.. So that the torment in my heart will be eased.. It's a silly thing to do but I cannot control my emotions well.. I'm sorry..
Counseling sessions? I don't know.. I may not open up to the counselors.. Just keep my pain,hatred,anger and sorrow in my heart.. Not many people can open my heart.. You may choose to help or to leave me there to do.. It's your choice.. And my choice to control it..
Reason for self-mutilation,Relieve the pain in my heart.(It's silly I know.)
Kelvin Ashley Augustus (The Panda) posted at 8:26 PM.
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